Fear of Success or Failure?

I did it! I set a goal and I achieved it. Seven weeks ago, I decided I was going to run a 7 mile road race. That same day I tripped, fell and badly bruised both knees. Graceful. A week later, my knees felt better and I started to “train.” I ran just a half mile my first day. What the hell was I thinking?

By the end of the week, I was running a mile and a half. Cruising. And then, I got sick. I had an allergic reaction that caused my right eye to swell shut. You can’t run if you can’t see. Ten days later I went out again. I completed a mile. That night, I dropped an iron on my toe. Eight days later and four weeks until road race, I ran another mile.

But I kept running. And three weeks until the race, I was up to three and a half miles. I realized my goal might actually become a reality and so, I quit. I didn’t run for ten days.  

Why is it that, when the going gets good, we panic? When we can finally see what we’ve been working for, we run the other way (pardon the pun).  I do it all the time. I successfully diet, the jeans finally fit, and so I binge. I impress everyone at work, I’m headed for a promotion, and I blow a deadline. Just you wait: I’ll blog, blog, blog. I’ll build an audience and I’ll stop posting. But I’ll come back. I always do.

And so, with only a week to go until the race, I started running again. I ran four miles my first day back. At half a mile, I was gasping for air. At one and a half I started fantasizing about getting hit by a car. If you can’t walk, you can’t run. At mile three I slowed to a shuffle. At three and a half, sparks were flying from under my feet from the friction caused by dragging them on the ground. Just before mile four, I asked myself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Death was the immediate response.

And so, with the pressure mounting, I became determined to meet my goal. I pushed for the last few days and I pushed through the race. And it felt great. It still does. But I wonder, why the self sabotage? Fear of failure or fear of success?

Tags: fear of failure, fear of success, fitness, setting goals, workplace equality

This entry was posted on Monday, November 2nd, 2009 at 9:34 am and is filed under Shoes and Other Fun. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.