All I want for Christmas…
Read a Feminist Letter to Santa at Care2.com.
The intersection of feminism and life
All I want for Christmas…
Read a Feminist Letter to Santa at Care2.com.
Last week we buried my uncle. His send-off was fantastic. More than 1,000 people attended his wake including the governor of the state, his very large family and his beloved former employees. My cousin wrote and delivered a beautiful, moving eulogy at the funeral, the newspaper published an article about him, and the local fire fighters stood at salute when his hearse passed the station.
My uncle was a husband and father, an elected official who served his community for 18 years, a grassroots organizer involved in many campaigns — from the hyper-local to JFK’s presidential bid, and a business owner. After the services, one of my relatives said to me, “Wow, he led a larger-than-life existence. I think I live a smaller-than-life existence.” We both laughed a self-deprecating laugh that is part of our family’s DNA.
But later that night I wondered, what kind of life should we live? Are we wasting space if we live less-than-large lives? I hope not. I like to think the world needs the big, the medium and the small lives. Isn’t it just as good to make a profound impact on one life as it is to touch many lives? That idea gave me comfort until I realized it was based on the clichés found on coffee mugs and cheesy plaques:
It takes all kinds.
Variety is the spice of life.
Never confuse having a career with having a life.
It is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
Life is mostly froth and bubble; Two things stand like stone: Kindness in another’s trouble, Courage in our own.
So I turned to Google to see If I could find something more helpful and I stumbled upon this charming saying,
Little birdie in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye, I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry, But I thanked the Lord cows can’t fly!
Well that confirms it, doesn’t it? There is a place in this world for the birds and the cows, for the front page heroes and the everyday ones too. And just as birds can never be cows and cows never birds, we too can only be who we are, big, small or otherwise. Some of us have wings and some of us do not. Some of us will have hundreds of mourners someday and some of us will have only a handful. And that is okay. And realizing that, I recalled and found inspiration in the words of the great Irish bard Oscar Wilde who once said,
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Mr. Wilde would never be caught dead on a mug. (But he is probably rolling over in his grave to be quoted in a blog alongside the cow poop ditty.)
When “Phineas and Ferb” (rated TV-G) ended last night, The Disney Channel played a video of Selena Gomez, a Disney star from one of its shows, “The Wizards of Waverly Place.” She was singing “Naturally” from the “Kiss and Tell” album.
Gomez is 17 years old and she is beautiful. Two thoughts popped into my head while watching her, “I wish I could get my hair to look like that,” and, “Where did she get that awesome necklace?”
My next thought was, “Oh crap, my five year old daughter is watching this.” She was staring at the screen, dancing along to Selena’s moves. Off went the television.
Gomez wasn’t dressed provocatively and her moves and lyrics weren’t overt. But she was singing, “You have a way of moving me,” on Disney. And if this forty-something was coveting the pop star’s clothes, hair and accessories, then there’s a damn good chance my 5 year old was soaking it all up too.
Disney’s airing the video after a show deemed appropriate for 5 year olds, reminded me how hyper-vigilant parents must be about the media and marketing messages our children are exposed too. So it was timely that later in the night, I received an email alerting me to a new blog So Sexy So Soon, from Diane Levin, author of the book, “So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids.” There isn’t a lot of content on the blog yet, but it’s coming. I found the tip sheet to be especially helpful and I recommend parents of young girls and boys bookmark this site.
There will be no happy holidays for me this year. Nope. None at all. Instead, I am going to have a Merry Christmas. And I am going to wish you a Merry Christmas too. (Insert gasp here.) What’s that? You don’t celebrate Christmas? Too bad. I don’t care.
Yes, I know Christmas is a religious holiday. And yes I appreciate you may practice a different religion than me. But Christmas represents more than religion. For me, it represents a season of joy, of expressing goodwill, of sharing and of spending time with family and friends. So when I say, “Merry Christmas,” I am offering you those gifts of the season.
Your response should be a simple, “Thank you.” And if you are so inclined, I am open to your wishing me a Happy Fruitcake Toss Day, or National Kazoo Day, or National Welding Month, or even a Merry Fight the Filthy Fly Month.
Merry Christmas.
(Image used via Creative Commons license.)
First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I heard there was a new study from the University of Missouri in Columbia on women breadwinners. Studies about women always make me nervous. After all, people are still buzzing about the research Marcus Buckingham’s been touting on why woman are supposedly so unhappy. And yet, the data does not fully support Buckingham’s claims. And then there was a study out of the UK that said children whose mothers work are less healthy than those whose mothers stay at home. From The Guardian, “Working mothers are more likely to drive their children to school and the youngsters are more likely to watch TV, drink fizzy pop and eat too few portions of fruit and vegetables.” (FYI, there’s no fizzy pop in my house.)
So I could only imagine a study about women breadwinners would paint us as power hungry bitches by day and slothful, self-absorbed mothers at night. (Or was I just projecting?) As it turns out, the study was relatively harmless.
Dr. Rebecca Meisenbach, who conducted the research, reports “The female breadwinner is an increasingly important and common role in contemporary society, one that impacts family relationships, individual identities, and organizational policies.” I thought we already knew this. But hey, it’s always good to have research to back up our beliefs. Meisenbach goes on to report that women breadwinners experience several common emotions:
Control – some want it and some don’t
Independence – considered a positive
Ambition – also considered a positive
Pressure- to perform at work and home, and to respect and value a spouse’s contributions
Worry, guilt and resentment.
Because I am a breadwinner and have been for more than 15 years, it is difficult for me to see what’s so interesting about this study. I’ve always thought these emotions were felt by all parents, spouses and partners, regardless of full-time, part-time, stay-at-home, breadwinner or contributor status. Aren’t work/life balance, care-giving and relationships challenging no matter who pays for the groceries and who cooks dinner?
Meisenbach also discusses the idea that working women who are primary breadwinners “articulate themselves as the ones who ’see’ household messes and needs as a way to retain claim to an element of traditional female identity.” When my husband stopped working altogether, I remember struggling with the fact that he had more say in how the household was run than I did. So it was interesting for me to read this was a common experience.
Except it may not be. Meisenbach only interviewed 15 women for this study. One third of American households have a woman breadwinner and this study runs the risk of defining all of them based on 15 people. To that I say:
Go on now go, walk out the door.
Meisenbach’s work has merit but it is hardly extensive enough to define all women breadwinners. The study may be harmless but the headlines it’s generating are not.
The Wall Street Journal “Trade-Offs When Mom’s the Primary Breadwinner”
United Press International “A Woman Working Impacts All Relationships”
The Guardian, ” ‘Useless stay-at-home men’ a female myth”
Web Newswire “Female breadwinners bring home the bacon and tension”
India Business Blog “Working women nag hubbies to feel more feminine: Study”
And my personal favorite,
Daily News and Analysis “The Thought Process of Female Breadwinners”
This report is not the thought process of female breadwinners. It is the thought process of 15 female breadwinners. Let’s keep that in perspective. And as far as the mainstream media and their sensational treatment of women’s issues:
Just turn around now. You’re not welcome anymore.
(Note: Click on headline for some disco fun.)
Dockers, the Levi Strauss brand that makes schleppy khakis worn by Everyman, has published a “Man-ifesto” in its latest ad that wistfully recalls a time when men were men and calls on them to “step away from the salad bar” and solve the world’s problems.
The man-ifesto goes like this, “Once upon a time, men wore the pants and wore them well. Women rarely had to open doors and little old ladies never crossed the street alone.”
“But somewhere along the way the world decided it no longer needed men.”
“…today, there are questions our genderless society has no answers for. The world sits idly by as cities crumble, children misbehave, and those little old ladies remain on one side of the street. For the first times since bad guys, we need heroes. We need grownups.”
”It’s time to answer the call of manhood. It’s time to wear the pants.”
Note to Dockers:
Women control 85 – 90 percent of all consumer purchasing power. Women represent 52 percent of the U.S. population. There are more women on the national payroll then men. Women are the sole or primary breadwinners in a third of American households.
There’s a damn good chance it is a woman buying your pants for the men in their life. But not me. Not anymore. I take offense to the idea that my problems would be solved if I didn’t have to open a door. I take offense to the idea that men can solve all of the world’s man-made problems. I take offense to the idea that heroes and grownups come in only one model – the one with the penis.
Note to Dockers: This skirt isn’t buying Levis anymore.
Last Tuesday I stood outside of a polling station at 6:45 a.m. holding a sign for a candidate for U.S. Senate. For more than two hours I was out there, cold and bored, while people trickled into the voting station alone or two by two. A handful of morning commuters beeped and waved as they drove by, but otherwise, the morning was quiet and, I thought, uneventful.
I spent the rest of the day –until 7:30 that night –making calls asking people to get out and vote. The work was mind-numbing. Over and over, I left the same message. “Please remember to vote today.” I almost nodded off a few times the work was so repetitive and dull and I wondered if all the time I was spending would amount to anything. Each individual call seemed so inconsequential.
After the polls closed, I headed into the city for the campaign party. I was tired and thought about bailing, but I know that showing up is important too, so I rallied. And when I got there, and the room was buzzing with excitement, and our candidate came out and accepted the nomination, I realized, it all adds up.
Every sign hold, every phone call, all add up to something greater. Even though an action may seem small or optional at the time, they really do lead to something. It wasn’t my volunteering or my phone call that made the difference, it was the sum of so many actions that added up to victory. And standing in that hotel ballroom, I realized just how many ways we can apply that lesson.
If you are improving your health, it all adds up – everything you put in your mouth, every decision you make.
If you want to run a road race, it all adds up – every step you take; no matter how slow or how small.
If you are raising children, it all adds up – everything you say, every rule you make, every rule you break.
If you are saving for a house, it all adds up — every penny you save, every penny you spend.
If you are trying to affect change, it all adds up – every letter you send, every phone call you make, every person you reach.
Yes, I have heard the phrase, “the sum is greater than the parts.” But I needed to learn that lesson again, at that time. And even though I had an “aha” moment last Tuesday, I know I will probably relearn the same lesson several more times.
A few days after the election, I was sharing my discovery with someone older and wiser. He nodded in appreciation and shared his most recent lesson, “It takes something.” This man is very successful. Clearly he already knew this. But for some reason, he recently re-learned the lesson, and it resonated with him.
If you want to do something small, like throw a party, you can. But it takes something – cooking, cleaning, prep time.
If you want to achieve something big, like get promoted at work, you can. But it takes something – hard work, long hours, smart decisions.
Another wise friend of mine reminds us often, “Focus is your friend.” Same idea. We all know what to do. We all know what it takes. It’s just that sometimes, we need to re-learn what we already knew.
The Senate voted down the Stupak-like Nelson amendment, which would have severely restricted a woman’s right to an abortion and other related reproductive health procedures, during its healthcare debates this week. But women’s rights activists don’t think we are out of the woods yet. Both the Stupak-Pitts and the Nelson amendment were aggressive moves to take away women’s reproductive rights. Both amendments would have left women with fewer health benefits than they have now – despite the fact President Obama has promised no American will be worse off after a health bill passes.
The fact that these two amendments were even introduced and carried so much weight, signals a renewed interest by some to restrict women’s rights, not expand them. Women have raised their voices during the national debate on healthcare to demand equal coverage for equal premiums – to tell Congress we are not a pre-existing condition. And we were dismayed to see how our health was ultimately used as a bargaining chip to pass healthcare reform.
In order to “to amplify the voices of women and organizations devoted to a health care reform that is fair to women,” the Women’s Media Center has launched “Not Under The Bus.”
From the WMC:
NotUnderTheBus.com opposes recent amendments which propose the most draconian restrictions on women since the 1977 Hyde Amendment that cut federal funding for abortions by Medicaid.
NotUnderTheBus.com will serve as an aggregator and media resource center in the fight to safeguard women’s reproductive rights in the national health care reform debate.
NotUnderTheBus.com calls on all women and men who support women’s equality to take the initiative, climb aboard and start driving the bus right down Pennsylvania Avenue to ensure that health care is fair, safe, and accessible to all.
Visit Not Under the Bus to get informed and Take Action to protect women’s health.
Santa brought us a few early Christmas presents yesterday. Martha Coakley won the Democratic Primary in the Massachusetts Senate race, bringing the state one step closer to electing its first ever woman senator. And the Senate killed the Stupak-like Nelson Amendment.
Coakley would be a strong advocate for women in the Senate. Senator Al Franken is another. Spare Candy posted a transcript of his comments on the Nelson Amendment. It’s a good read.
Today is the Massachusetts Senate Primary. Polls are open 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. If you’re in the Commonwealth, please get out and vote. And may I suggest you vote for Martha Coakley?
Massachusetts voters have the opportunity to send a qualified, competent candidate –who also happens to be a woman — to the Senate. And that matters.
Women legislators bring much needed attention to so-called women’s issues such as childcare, elder care, fair workplace policies and healthcare. They serve as role models for young girls and increase women’s overall participation in government and civic issues. And women politicians work hard. According to a study from the University of Chicago and Stanford University, women in Congress, on average, introduce more bills and secure more money for their districts than their male counterparts do.
But women are woefully lacking in Massachusetts politics. The state has never had a woman senator and is currently represented by only one woman in the House of Representatives, Niki Tsongas. On Beacon Hill, women represent just 17 percent of the elected leadership. And yet, women make up more than 50 percent of the U.S. population. They have surpassed men on the national payroll, represent at least 85 percent of consumer buying power and control half of the nation’s investment wealth. They deserve equal representation.
A vote for Martha Coakley is a vote of confidence, a vote for history, for equality and for a government representative of its people.
