Facebook Fatigue

 I’ve grown tired of Facebook.  I have snooped all of my friends’ pages and friends of friends pages.  I’ve inspected all the photos and scanned all the status updates.  I’ve read quasi-political statements, viewed old yearbook shots and seen one too many pictures of cute kids.

Based on my anthropological endeavors, I have reached the following conclusions: 1) Facebook can get old real fast and 2) there are seven types of Facebook friends. They are:

1. The Pretentious Posers: These are the friends, and I use the term loosely, who load their FB pages with deep thoughts/quotes from famous people like Dostoevsky, Plato and Warren Buffet. Or they only update their status when they’ve done something with a cultural bent like, “Drinking herbal tea and listening to Handel’s Sonata No. 4″ or “Picasso exhibit followed by lecture on socioeconomics and composting” or “Trekking endangered yaks in Andes. Be back next week.”
2. The Foodies: These friends report on everything they eat and everything they feed their offspring. Typical status updates include, “Eating a caramel cupcake with sprinkles. So sweet and so guilty!” Some foodies are also Pretentious Posers. For example, “Braised lamb shanks, root veggie ragout, 1984 California Cab, followed by homemade vanilla bean ice cream.” And some foodies are also Proud Mamas (see below).  For example, “Took the kids to Bugaboo Creek for dinner and Junior ordered the chicken nuggets again. Will he ever embrace legumes?!?”
3. The Proud Mamas:  These friends don’t realize that we only think our own kids are cute. We’re not impressed when one of their offspring loses a tooth. A typical Proud Mama post reads like this, “Madison did number two on the potty. Life is good.”
4. The Slactivists: We all have slactivist friends. These are the people who chastise you week after week with status updates that read like this, “March is Save the Red Eyed Tree Frog month. Post this on your status if you care about animals. 93% of you hate animals and are cruel. Will you be in the 7% who make no difference at all by posting this?”
5. The Lyricists: Come on, you must have a few of these friends. All they do is post song lyrics on their pages. Why? It doesn’t make them clever. They didn’t write the songs after all. To these friends, I say, “You’re so vain. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you?”
6. The People who Probably Have Stuffed Animal Collections in their Car: These friends play Bejeweled Blitz –a lot. They also play Farmville and Sorority Life. They hit you with virtual pillows, and send you virtual hearts and clouds and rainbows. You just know their back windshield houses a Beanie Baby collection.

And which category do I belong to? 7. The Boring People. I don’t update much at all. And after today you can probably add me to The People with No Friends category too.

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Tags: Facebook