The Reality of Working Mothers

In publishing Daniel Indiviglio’s article “Why Working Mothers Fall Behind,” The Atlantic once again demonstrates its lack of understanding of women’s experiences. The article is a response to Tuesday’s New York Times piece, titled “A Labor Market Punishing to Mothers.” Indiviglio says of the working women’s plight, “But calling this a problem is analogous to complaining that action movies with flimsy writing are more popular than brilliantly crafted art house films.” He suggests the disparity isn’t necessarily among men and women but among primary professionals and primary caregivers.

He writes, “Would anyone really care if primary caregivers didn’t climb the corporate ladder as quickly as primary professionals if gender weren’t involved? Wouldn’t that just make logical sense? If men more often take on the primary professional role, consequently working more intensely and taking fewer vacations than women, then they should bepromoted more aggressively.” I understand his logic. Those who put in the hours should reap the rewards. But what Indiviglio fails to grasp is that the role of primary caregiver isn’t always a choice.

Sometimes, the boss forces women into that role. Guilty as charged. When I was in my late twenties, I managed a large team of men and women. Our client was in a different state than our office and required on-site service during a critical time. I chose a different staffer to travel with me each week to work in the client’s office. The team viewed these trips as a positive thing – a chance to interact and spend time with the client and the boss. I had cycled through most of my staff when a woman on my team asked me why I hadn’t yet invited her to the client. My response, “I assumed you couldn’t leave your children.” She was the only mother on the account. I cringe every time I recall how I mistreated her. I didn’t make a conscious decision to discriminate against her, but the result was the same.

Sometimes, a spouse puts a woman in that role. According to research from Vanderbilt University, women spend 53 percent more time on housework than men do. Even in marriages where both spouses work full-time, the majority of housework – including childcare, falls to the woman. If husbands and wives took an honest look at their relationships, many of them would see a subtle discrimination that starts in the bedroom and carries over to the boardroom.

And sometimes, our bodies force us to assume the role of primary caregiver. My husband and I have always been clear that I would be the primary professional and he would be the primary caregiver. But he was unable to get pregnant. So even though, he stays home when our children are sick and he makes sure the homework is done, the lunches are made and the soccer registration is completed on time, I still gave birth. And that meant, I missed hours of work to go to doctor’s appointments. And I took 12 weeks of leave because I was recovering from a C-section. And it was my stomach, not his, that expanded so much during pregnancy that a client said to my boss, “I don’t want to work with her. She looks like she should put her feet up and rest.”

Indivglio says, “… there’s also a possibility that most men and women in traditional gender roles are perfectly content with the current arrangement. After all, if they aren’t, then it’s often within their power to live their lives differently.”  Sure there is that possibility. And then there is reality. Women are often penalized at work for being parents. And men, for the most part, are not.

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Tags: discrimination, equal pay, gender gap, working mothers, workplace equality