Last night I took my seven year old daughter and her friend to an outdoor concert. I watched the girls run around the concert grounds, playing with friends from school. They seemed to be having so much fun. On the way home, my daughter’s friend told me that one of the boys from school gave her a fat lip at the show (her lip appeared to be fine) and called her a loser.”He called me a loser too,” my daughter said, “and said he wanted to hit me.” I was annoyed. I really dislike kids putting their hands on each other. But I wasn’t necessarily concerned. I knew the boy and he seemed like a mostly good kid. And in second grade after all, when a boy picks on you, doesn’t that just mean he likes you?
And then, as I put my daughter to bed, I started to think about that concept. Weighing on my mind was Lauren Astley, an 18 year old girl from Wayland, Mass. Her body was found in a marsh Monday morning and her ex-boyfriend has been arrested for the murder. The couple reportedly dated through most of high school and broke up in the Spring following prom. Most people from the community who have been interviewed by reporters in the days since Astley’s death said there were no obvious signs that the relationship was dangerous. The Middlesex County District Attoney Gerry Leone has said, “This case, like so many other paradigms is about control and about power.”
Since the murder the local news outlets have aired and printed stories about teen dating violence including signs parents should watch for and what teens need to know. According to the Safety Awareness and Family Education Network (SAFE), approximately one in three high school relationships involve abuse. Warning signs, often subtle or well-concealed by the teens, include insults, put-downs, and controlling behavior. Experts agree the best time to talk to your kids about dating violence is before they are in a relationship. But just how much before?
At the end of the year school picnic, another one of my daughter’s classmates told her and another classmate to,”Shut your pie hole.” I resisted the urge to tackle the brat and watched what happened. “What’s a pie hole?” my daughter asked. “I don’t know,” the boy said. “Then don’t say it,” my daughter said and walked away.
When I kissed my daughter good night last night, I told her, “Don’t ever let a boy, or anyone else, hurt you. Tell him no, tell me, walk away. You are wonderful and only deserve kindness.” I hope she heard me.
And as far as that old narrative that when a boy punches you on the playground, it means he likes you, it’s twisted and we need to stop accepting it.
Hello Ladies is raising money to help victims of domestic violence. They need financial assistance to gain freedom from abuse. Parents need support to protect their children. Non-profit organizations need funds for education and legislation that will keep victims safe. Please click here to help.
“And as far as that old narrative that when a boy punches you on the playground, it means he likes you, it’s twisted and we need to stop accepting it.”
YES, agreed so, so much. How about, “If a boy likes you he will do nice things for you” or even “if a boy likes you HE WILL TELL YOU”. Boys need to be taught that hitting is not appropriate, girls need to be taught the same and that they do not have to accept it.
Thank you for posting this, and I hope your daughter heard you, too.
Thank you for sharing. And while we touch our daughter’s about safety, we must teach our sons not too harm women too.
There has been a very effective program for years. It’s called IMPACT personal safety. It should be compulsory for all young girls. This program will inoculate girls against rape and short circuit harassment.
Agreed. We need to educate our sons too.
Thank you for this. This happened in my hometown, and I saw violent and possessive relationships weekly as a dean of security in a Brooklyn high school. It happens too often; both genders need to be educated.