As I sat watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last night, (yes, I watch all of them and I’m not proud) I was reflecting on how sad and stressful – with the exception of Pandora’s million dollar wedding – the season had been. Viewers witnessed a woman unravel and struggle with domestic abuse.
We’ve seen traces of abusive and controlling behavior in other Real Housewives franchises – most notably Orange Country. And we knew it was coming. Following the suicide of cast member Russell Armstrong before the season aired, the story of domestic abuse hit the media.
So the storyline wasn’t a surprise – just very difficult to watch. What was surprising was how poorly the other castmates seemed to handle the situation. (Of course we don’t know how much of that was Bravo’s editing). While one woman cried out for help, the other women seemed so ill-equipped to support her. They questioned her allegations – after all, the husband in question was always nice to them. They couldn’t understand why she stayed in the relationship. And they even let her apologize for allowing her problems to disrupt their lives.
Now before you click off the page, wondering how we can give credence to anything as ridiculous as reality tv, consider another story of domestic abuse that recently made Internet headlines – this one from a well-known blogger named Penelope Trunk. Sure, sometimes the blogosphere can feel like reality tv – Trunk and others are known for their share-everything writing style. But Trunk’s blog, like the popular Bravo series, has a large following and can therefore influence many.
On December 28, Trunk blogged about violence in her relationship – she even included a photo of a bruise on her leg. Four days later, she blogged again – a response to the 500 people who had commented on the initial post and whom she felt expressed, “collective hatred and disdain for women who are in violent relationships.” She was staying in the marriage.
I read through some of the comments on Trunk’s December post, and certainly there were people who blamed her for the problem –sadly, we can always expect some victim-blaming to accompany stories of women in trouble. But I didn’t sense the “hatred and disdain” from the commenters urging Trunk to leave her husband. How I perceived the comments doesn’t matter. What matters is how Trunk experienced the feedback – not helpful.
One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, so chances are high you will know someone who is affected. And it’s normal to feel concern, anger, confusion and fear, and yes, even to judge, when we see a woman in an unhealthy relationship. But don’t be a real housewife. Be a real friend. Get the facts on how to help.
Click here for information on how to help and remember:
Do express concern. Let your friend know you are worried about them.
Offer to listen, and let your friend know you are willing to help.
Have safe conversations. Computer discussions can be monitored.
Be aware that leaving is difficult, and often dangerous, and your friend may not be ready for that step.
Know that your friend might stay for reasons you don’t condone or understand.
Be prepared your friend may not accept your help and you can’t rescue them.
Call the domestic violence hotline for professional support: 1-800-799-SAFE
For more on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and what the show can teach us about domestic abuse, read these posts from the Domestic Violence hotline:
Taylor Shares Fears About Marriage with Friends
What Kyle Sees Isn’t What Taylor Gets
Taylor’s Therapy-Why We Don’t Recommend It
And to make a donation to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, click here.
Send me the link when you post it Shannon. Given the statistics, we need to know the facts.
YES. I am at work on a blog on this very topic! We have no idea what Penelope, or any victim, is going through. And the fact is that the most dangerous time for a victim is NOT when she’s in the relationship, but when she leaves. All we can do is let the Penelopes and Taylors know that there are resources available when they needs them–and that we love our friends, no matter what.
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