She Negotiates Part Three

The other day we wrote about negotiating raises.  Several readers told us privately they had never asked for one. For many, the reason stems from what I call the good-girl complex. So many women create a role for themselves starting with the good daughter, then the good student, the good employee, the good wife, the good mother, etc. And by casting themselves in that role over and over, they believe that’s what others expect of them. Perhaps it is.

By starring in the good-girl role at work, they view their jobs as meeting or beating expectations, making the clients’ and bosses’ life easier, and trying to only solve problems, but to never cause them. That’s not a bad way to operate at work except they also view asking for a raise as being out of alignment with the good-girl character.

But that’s actually not true. For starters, by asking for what you want, you are giving your boss a chance to meet your needs. And in meeting your needs, you are helping the boss retain a good employee. If you are truly as good as the role you’ve cast yourself in, then the boss probably wants to hold on to you. So asking for what you deserve, can only help both parties “negotiate” a satisfactory working relationship.

And there’s another reason we should ask all for what we deserve — there is another good-girl role we could be playing: good woman. As women, one of the greatest strengths we have is our network, or sisterhood, of other women. And when we work together, we are powerful. Being the good-woman mean using your good-girl tendencies to support and advance other women. As Victoria Pynchon, the co-founder of She Negotiates, says, “The power is in the group.”

Pynchon believes we are experiencing a new wave of consciousness raising, similar to the second wave feminist movement which occurred in the 1970s in women’s living rooms all across the country. And one of the issues we are dealing with, says Pynchon, is “our value in the marketplace externally vs. what we think we deserve. So I believe, when women learn to negotiate and are supported in the community, we can close the wage gap immediately.”

Strong words and an aggressive timeframe? It would seem that way if you have been struggling with the issue of fair pay on your own. But when you realize you are not in this alone, and perhaps an even more powerful thought: you are not negotiating for yourself, then it starts to seem possible.

What if during  your negotiations you stopped thinking about yourself and started thinking of all the other women in your network? Reframe the thought process to not be about you:  ”Am I being too assertive?” “What will the boss think of me if I ask?” “Who do I think I am to ask for (fill in the blank)?” and frame it around your network of women: “What do women need to manage a family in this economy?” “How can I leverage my strengths to advance women?” “What do women deserve?” Suddenly it’s a whole new conversation and the stakes are even higher.

Caretaking is second nature for so many women. But are we taking care of other women? When we stop and think about the role we play in each other’s lives, then what may have seemed selfish (my raise, my needs), suddenly becomes the good-girl thing to do. Says Pynchon, “We’re responsible. We’re going to do this individually and together.”

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