Posts Tagged ‘ housework ’

How Do You Do It All?

August 11, 2011
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This post originally ran on TheMamaBee.com. We’ve since replaced some of the activities listed below for new ones, but our house remains dirty and we still don’t have any friends. With the movie version of “I Don’t Know How She Does It” opening next month, we’re wondering, how do you do it all? Here’s our story:

Supermom dollPeople always ask me, “How do you do it all?”  I am a full time working mother –in fact I’m the family breadwinner.  I am also president of the PTO, chair of a town committee, organizer of  an annual event for 400 attendees, and I moonlight as a freelance writer.  “It’s easy,” I tell them. “But my house is always dirty and I have no friends.”  And then the person who asked the question always laughs.  But I’m not joking.

My house is dirty.  While my husband has the time to clean, he has no interest.  And I have neither the time nor the interest. Type As like me thrive on checking things off a to-do list and cleaning never comes off the list; by the time you get through all of the rooms in the house, you need to start over.  I don’t choose to spend my time cleaning. Nor do I choose to spend my time fighting with my husband trying to get him to clean.

We used to fight about it.  Big, ugly hairy fights. But fighting wastes precious time and for a working mother, time is currency.  The fighting just didn’t add up. Do the math:

Ask husband (three times) to remove unfolded piles of laundry from couch and put them away: 3 mins.

Yell at husband for not putting laundry away, disrespecting all of my wishes, being an insensitive lout, never listening, and not knowing the meaning of love: 20 mins.

Give husband silent treatment: 30 mins.

Apologize for slightly overreacting : 2 mins.

Simply push piles of laundry to the other end of the sofa so I have a place to sit down and snuggle with the kids: immediate and priceless.

As far as friends go, I do exaggerate, but just slightly.  I actually have two and a half friends – two of them I’ve known for thirty years. I talk to one of them almost every day during my commute. And I go months without talking to the other one but our friendship is strong enough to withstand the long silences.  And the half?  Well that represents all the lovely acquaintances I make through my many activities.  I would befriend them but then they’d expect me to call, email and socialize.  And I don’t have the time.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed, like when I have too many deadlines, I’m tired and there are thirty-eight plastic dinosaurs on my living room rug. Just recently, one of my cousins stopped by on a  weekend morning.  Over coffee, I unloaded on her that I was exhausted and couldn’t manage everything.

“You need to lower your standards,” she said.

As I slid the previous night’s dirty dinner plates out of my way so I had a place to put  my coffee mug, I said hopefully, “Really, do you think that’s the answer?”

My lifestyle is not for everyone.  Like all working mothers, I make sacrifices. I will never go scrapbooking, for example, or host a book club meeting. Hell, I won’t even be invited to join the book club. But despite my busy schedule, I always have time to read a book to my child.  Now if only I could find the damn book somewhere in this mess.

Eversave is running a fun survey asking women how they do it all. You can take it here.

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Where Have The Good Men Gone? Who Cares?

February 23, 2011
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guys playing video games

Husband material?

“Too many men in their 20s are living in a new kind of extended adolescence,” argues Kay S. Hymowitz in a recent essay published in the Wall Street Journal. Hymowitz is the author of “Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys.”

According to Hymowitz, the average American man used to achieve “most of the milestones of adulthood” like a good job, wife and children, in his 20s. But today, the author observes, “most” 20-something men act like aged frat boys, hanging out drinking beer and discussing Star Wars. And this, says Hymowitz, is frustrating “legions” of 20-something women.

Really? Census data and statistics show today’s 20 something women are more likely to be single, well-educated and higher paid (even out-earning male counterparts in some cities) than in years past. Is it true that they have just “one key question” on their minds – “Where have the good men gone?” Perhaps these women are thinking about their careers, their friends and family, shaping their own lives. Imagine that. And if they knew what we 40-something women know, they might see lots of opportunity in the men’s’ behavior.

That 20-something men aren’t acting like their fathers, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The world doesn’t need men robotically programmed to “protect and provide for their wives and children” — the traditional “script” for men, according to Hymowitz. Because if the default for men is to be the earner, then the default for women is to be the homemaker. And in 2011, it’s time to give up these outdated stereotypes and move on with our lives.

When Hanna Rosin wrote about “The End of Men” in The Atlantic, pointing out men who were once solidly in place as the heads of households now struggle because more women are reporting to work than men, and two women per every one man are graduating college, we responded: it’s not the end of men; but maybe it’s the end of men as we know it.

We wrote, “Women have successfully adapted to societal and economic shifts over the years…If men can demonstrate the same ability to adapt, letting go of how it used to be and moving forward to how it will be, then perhaps we can move into a “modern, postindustrial society.” Women will make progress, gender roles will shift, and the men will be just fine.”

We women have struggled mightily as we figure out our shifting roles in society. We are grateful for the trailblazers who went before us, but we still struggle in their wake:

  • Career first or kids?
  • Is there ever a good time to take maternity leave?
  • Should I work a flex schedule or full time?
  • I choose full-time so why am I still treated like I’m on the mommy-track?
  • I choose to stay home with the kids? Am I wasting my degree? Do I have to join the PTO now?
  • If I’m the breadwinner why am I earning less than the men?
  • Whose career comes first? Mine or my husband’s?
  • Am I really expected to make dinner every night?
  • I am bringing home the big bucks. Am I supposed to minimize that fact so my husband who earns less, or has been laid off, doesn’t feel bad?

And while we’ve been sorting though these questions, how have we engaged the men in our lives to find the answers? Barely, in many cases. What perspective can the men really offer if they’re lives stay relatively the same — going to work, or looking for work, maintaining the status quo?

Divorce statistics may be flat or on the decline, but what are the happy marriage statistics? In today’s society where women are the breadwinners or co-breadwinners in two-thirds of U.S. households, where women still do the majority of housework and childcare, traditional marriage is an outdated concept. And traditional corporate roles are ripe for a re-org too. Study after study supports the idea that a diverse workforce leads to a healthier bottom-line.

So as a woman well beyond her 20s, I see hope where Hymowitz sees despair. Maybe these beer-drinking, Xbox-playing guys are the new good guys. Maybe instead of mindlessly accepting society’s expectations for what they should be doing, they are taking their time and exploring their options. And just maybe, they will mature into the husbands of the future – men who choose their roles based on what they want to do not what they should do; men who, with their partners, choose who does the laundry, who works full time, who helps with the homework, who stays at home when the kids are sick. And when they do settle into careers, maybe they will stand beside us, fighting for fair wages, paid sick time, and affordable childcare.

Relationships at home and at the office are well overdue for a makeover. Hymowitz says, “Women put up with (these men) for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man.”, We say: Ladies, talk to these guys and figure out what you want and they want. If it’s compatible, great. If it’s not, so be it.

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Women on Valentine’s Day

February 12, 2011
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www.skinnyscoop.com
How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day? Do you do the planning or does your partner? When The Skinny Scoop posed the question, “Do you think it’s the man’s / husband’s job to plan something special for Valentine’s Day?” 56 percent of respondents said, “No.” The feminists among us?

And as for the women who answered, “Yes,” it may not be romance they seek as much as sanity. As one yes respondent noted in the comments, “In reality we women usually do the bulk of kiddie stuff as well as plan most of the social calendar even if we work full-time. So this is a nice one to take off our shoulders.”

Fair point. Maybe if Valentine’s Day always fell on a Saturday night, I might be interested in planning, or even attending, date night. But adding something to my to-do list and calendar when I haven’t even finished putting the Christmas decorations away? No thanks.

Not the case in my household (no one does housework here), but women still do the majority of household chores in the average U.S. household —  and in the average U.K household too. So for the women who have the energy to make Valentine’s Day plans, more power to you. And for the women who want the planning done for them, who can blame you?

And for those women with no one to plan a Valentine’s Day celebration, why not give yourself the gift of a cleaning service? No need for you to handle too much housework either. And if you send yourself, or anyone else, roses, make sure they are fair trade stems from responsible suppliers.

Does Fashion Matter?

January 29, 2011
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The other day I opened my email and there was an offer to review a pair of Pajama Jeans. If you don’t watch late night TV, you may not have seen the commercials for these so-called jeans that supposedly fit and feel like pajamas.

Are Pajama Jeans ever okay?

At first I was offended. I don’t wear Crocs, see no reason for flip flops and I would never wear pajama jeans. Then I was intrigued. I did break down and by UGGs after all. And then I remembered a favorite motto – Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

The whole three minute incident prompted me to revive this essay which  first appeared on My It Things in 2007. Enjoy.

Does Fashion Matter?

At the risk of incurring Miranda Priestley’s infamous Cerulean speech from “The Devil Wears Prada” when she verbally shreds her assistant for referring to fashion as “stuff”, I need to ask the question: Does fashion matter?

Here’s the thing: I am an unfashionable size 12. I live in a middle class suburb. I work in a male-dominated industry in a blue-collar town west of Boston. My social life consists of family movie night every Friday (microwave popcorn and a Disney DVD), SwimTots at the community pool every Saturday morning, and dinner at my in-laws on Sundays. These are hardly the stats of a fashion insider.

I could easily live my life in two pair of khakis, a pair of jeans and a few sweaters from the Gap. Yet I soak up the features in fashion magazines. I like the articles that tell you how to go from office to evening–you know the ones that advise you to wear a suit to work and then change from the spectator pumps to strappy stilettos, from the Thomas Pink button-down to a sequined camisole, and from the Longchamp tote to an oversized satin clutch and voila, you’re ready to party.

I spend hundreds of dollars on fashion magazines every year. I have at least six fashion blogs bookmarked on my computer. I can tell a Prada from a Miu Miu, and spot a Tory Burch tunic a mile away. I lust after Manolo heels and Delman flats. I know that gray is the new black, Zac Posen is the new Marc Jacobs, and Agynes is the new Kate. My closet is packed with an eclectic mix of designer, vintage, leopard, and metallic. This season I covet cuffs and gladiator sandals.

For the office, I mix high-end, classic items from Armani and Escada with basics and trendy pieces from Banana Republic and Club Monaco. I carry my laptop in a Prada bowling bag circa 2000.  My coworkers favor Chicos for the high-end and Walmart for the low-end.  At PTO meetings and at the playground, my neighbors sport Old Navy fleece or knock-off Burberry jackets with Merrel sneakers.

So why do I bother? I have a modest budget. I share one salary with a spouse, two kids, two dogs and a 1920s Colonial fixer upper. I could put my time and money to much better use.

Like many 40-something, middle class women, my life looks good on paper. And it is. I have a husband I not only love, but I actually like. I have two healthy children. I own a home. I have no reason, no right really, to complain.

But I’m so tired all the time. I go from home to work and back again with barely any time to think. What my husband, a stay at home Dad, offers in love and compassion, he lacks in housekeeping. Laundry is stacked on the dining room table. Toys cover the living room floor. Our bed hasn’t been made since we bought a new duvet cover in 1999. While my job pays well, it is just that, a job — not a career. And exercise, something I do no more than five times a month, feels like a burden. I am fueled by two pots of coffee and a modest dose of Prozac every day yet I still can’t get out of my rut.

Many of my friends, under the pressures of careers and kids and aging parents, feel the same way. As a result, some of them overeat. Some drink. Some spend compulsively. I have experimented with all of those things. But my best coping strategy? I style.

When my children and husband have finally gone to bed, when I have finished answering emails from earlier in the day, I escape to our spare room where I keep my wardrobe. I rule over my closet with the exacting attention to detail that Anna Wintour and Glenda Bailey bring to the pages of their glossy magazines every month.

My closet is the only part of my life that feels organized. Alone in the night, I open every shoe box and reorganize them. Pumps go in the middle of the closet, ballets slippers to the right. Boots are organized by color and heel style. On Friday nights, I take the handbags I’ve carried all week and place them back in their felt sleeper bags. Then I move on to my jewelry. I have a fantastic mix of vintage and costume. I hang the necklaces, pair the earrings, stack the bangles. My kitchen counter may be covered with a days’ worth of dirty dishes but my accessory drawers are pristine.

Every Sunday night, I lay out outfits and create new combinations for the week ahead. I experiment with looks by changing shoes or belts. I take inventory of what’s in my closet and make lists of the pieces I need. Then I go to EBay and Bluefly, neimanmarcus.com and The Budget Fashionista to shop for deals.

I know it sounds frivolous, selfish even. But for me, it is salvation. My wardrobe allows me to exert control in a life that feels like it is controlling me. It lets me dress for the life I want to live, instead of the life I’m living. It helps me envision a future when I will be able to pursue my dreams. And it allows me to appreciate how blessed I am, because I know that is the case.

So to answer the question, does fashion matter? To me, it matters a lot.

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Are pets a feminist issue?

December 13, 2010
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So ladies, after years of advocating better maternity leave policies,  I am taking up a new cause – pet bereavement policies.

My dog died last Monday and showing up for work all week was so hard. I did it, but there’s a difference between showing and “showing up.”

For many of us, pets are family. They are with us everyday, more than many of the people in our lives. They are loyal and loving and they give us the privilege of caring for them as babies and as old, tired creatures — and every day in between.

But so many humans just don’t understand other humans’ ability to love an animal. To those people I offer up this example. When a human I cared about  died and I was grieving, my dog came and sat with me – silent, patient, concerned.   She did not say to me, “I”m not much of a human person but I suppose it could be sad.”

And yet when my dog died, several humans told me they weren’t really dog people  but…. And then they expected business as usual. Who would you prefer by your side while mourning a loss?

At first, I was mostly joking about pet bereavement policies. But then I started doing some research. And maybe animals are a feminist issue. Researchers have found a link between animal abuse and domestic violence. And, then there are the studies on household chores. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Time Use Survey 2009, on an average  day, 85 percent of women and 66.6 percent of men do some sort of household activity. Last time I checked, pets require daily care. So who’s walking Fido?

Ladies what do you think? Should we add our furry friends to the agenda?

Two Questions

September 10, 2010
By

Ladies,

We have two questions for our working women readers (full and part time). You can either contact us at info@helloladies.com or leave a comment to answer.

1. If you are married or live with a partner, who does most of the housework and childrearing?

2. What was your maternity leave experience? It’s been a year since we published Real Stories of Maternity Leave and we’re wondering, what if anything, has changed?

Thanks!

Female Breadwinner Will Survive

December 16, 2009
By

manvaccuumFirst I was afraid. I was petrified.

I heard there was a new study from the University of Missouri in Columbia on women breadwinners. Studies about women always make me nervous. After all, people are still buzzing about the research Marcus Buckingham’s been touting on why woman are supposedly so unhappy. And yet, the data does not fully support Buckingham’s claims. And then there was a study out of the UK that said children whose mothers work are less healthy than those whose mothers stay at home. From The Guardian, “Working mothers are more likely to drive their children to school and the youngsters are more likely to watch TV, drink fizzy pop and eat too few portions of fruit and vegetables.” (FYI, there’s no fizzy pop in my house.)

So I could only imagine a study about women breadwinners would paint us as power hungry bitches by day and slothful, self-absorbed mothers at night. (Or was I just projecting?)  As it turns out, the study was relatively harmless.

Dr. Rebecca Meisenbach, who conducted the research, reports “The female breadwinner is an increasingly important and common role in contemporary society, one that impacts family relationships, individual identities, and organizational policies.” I thought we already knew this. But hey, it’s always good to have research to back up our beliefs. Meisenbach goes on to report that women breadwinners experience several common emotions:

 Control – some want it and some don’t

Independence – considered a positive

Ambition – also considered a positive

Pressure- to perform at work and home, and to respect and value a spouse’s contributions

Worry, guilt and resentment.

Because I am a breadwinner and have been for more than 15 years, it is difficult for me to see what’s so interesting about this study. I’ve always thought these emotions were felt by all parents, spouses and partners, regardless of full-time, part-time, stay-at-home, breadwinner or contributor status. Aren’t work/life balance, care-giving and relationships challenging no matter who pays for the groceries and who cooks dinner?

Meisenbach also discusses the idea that working women who are primary breadwinners “articulate themselves as the ones who ’see’ household messes and needs as a way to retain claim to an element of traditional female identity.” When my husband stopped working altogether, I remember struggling with the fact that he had more say in how the household was run than I did. So it was interesting for me to read this was a common experience.

Except it may not be. Meisenbach only interviewed 15 women for this study. One third of American households have a woman breadwinner and this study runs the risk of defining all of them based on 15 people. To that I say:

Go on now go, walk out the door.

Meisenbach’s work has merit but it is hardly extensive enough to define all women breadwinners. The study may be harmless but the headlines it’s generating are not.

The Wall Street Journal “Trade-Offs When Mom’s the Primary Breadwinner”

United Press International “A Woman Working Impacts All Relationships”

The Guardian, ” ‘Useless stay-at-home men’ a female myth”

Web Newswire “Female breadwinners bring home the bacon and tension”

India Business Blog “Working women nag hubbies to feel more feminine: Study”

And my personal favorite,

Daily News and Analysis “The Thought Process of Female Breadwinners”

This report is not the thought process of female breadwinners. It is the thought process of 15 female breadwinners. Let’s keep that in perspective. And as far as the mainstream media and their sensational treatment of women’s issues:

Just turn around now. You’re not welcome anymore.

(Note: Click on headline for some disco fun.)

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