Posts Tagged ‘ marriage ’

Husband material?

“Too many men in their 20s are living in a new kind of extended adolescence,” argues Kay S. Hymowitz in a recent essay published in the Wall Street Journal. Hymowitz is the author of “Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys.”

According to Hymowitz, the average American man used to achieve “most of the milestones of adulthood” like a good job, wife and children, in his 20s. But today, the author observes, “most” 20-something men act like aged frat boys, hanging out drinking beer and discussing Star Wars. And this, says Hymowitz, is frustrating “legions” of 20-something women.

Really? Census data and statistics show today’s 20 something women are more likely to be single, well-educated and higher paid (even out-earning male counterparts in some cities) than in years past. Is it true that they have just “one key question” on their minds – “Where have the good men gone?” Perhaps these women are thinking about their careers, their friends and family, shaping their own lives. Imagine that. And if they knew what we 40-something women know, they might see lots of opportunity in the men’s’ behavior.

That 20-something men aren’t acting like their fathers, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The world doesn’t need men robotically programmed to “protect and provide for their wives and children” — the traditional “script” for men, according to Hymowitz. Because if the default for men is to be the earner, then the default for women is to be the homemaker. And in 2011, it’s time to give up these outdated stereotypes and move on with our lives.

When Hanna Rosin wrote about “The End of Men” in The Atlantic, pointing out men who were once solidly in place as the heads of households now struggle because more women are reporting to work than men, and two women per every one man are graduating college, we responded: it’s not the end of men; but maybe it’s the end of men as we know it.

We wrote, “Women have successfully adapted to societal and economic shifts over the years…If men can demonstrate the same ability to adapt, letting go of how it used to be and moving forward to how it will be, then perhaps we can move into a “modern, postindustrial society.” Women will make progress, gender roles will shift, and the men will be just fine.”

We women have struggled mightily as we figure out our shifting roles in society. We are grateful for the trailblazers who went before us, but we still struggle in their wake:

• Career first or kids?
• Is there ever a good time to take maternity leave?
• Should I work a flex schedule or full time?
• I choose full-time so why am I still treated like I’m on the mommy-track?
• I choose to stay home with the kids? Am I wasting my degree? Do I have to join the PTO now?
• If I’m the breadwinner why am I earning less than the men?
• Whose career comes first? Mine or my husband’s?
• Am I really expected to make dinner every night?
• I am bringing home the big bucks. Am I supposed to minimize that fact so my husband who earns less, or has been laid off, doesn’t feel bad?

And while we’ve been sorting though these questions, how have we engaged the men in our lives to find the answers? Barely, in many cases. What perspective can the men really offer if they’re lives stay relatively the same — going to work, or looking for work, maintaining the status quo?

Divorce statistics may be flat or on the decline, but what are the happy marriage statistics? In today’s society where women are the breadwinners or co-breadwinners in two-thirds of U.S. households, where women still do the majority of housework and childcare, traditional marriage is an outdated concept. And traditional corporate roles are ripe for a re-org too. Study after study supports the idea that a diverse workforce leads to a healthier bottom-line.

So as a woman well beyond her 20s, I see hope where Hymowitz sees despair. Maybe these beer-drinking, Xbox-playing guys are the new good guys. Maybe instead of mindlessly accepting society’s expectations for what they should be doing, they are taking their time and exploring their options. And just maybe, they will mature into the husbands of the future – men who choose their roles based on what they want to do not what they should do; men who, with their partners, choose who does the laundry, who works full time, who helps with the homework, who stays at home when the kids are sick. And when they do settle into careers, maybe they will stand beside us, fighting for fair wages, paid sick time, and affordable childcare.

Relationships at home and at the office are well overdue for a makeover. Hymowitz says, “Women put up with (these men) for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man.”, We say: Ladies, talk to these guys and figure out what you want and they want. If it’s compatible, great. If it’s not, so be it.

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