Posts Tagged ‘ working mothers ’

This is the Year to Close the Wage Gap

April 16, 2012
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Tuesday, April 17 is Equal Pay Day, again. Equal Pay Day 2009 was impetus for my starting this blog. That day I dropped my son at school; at my request he was wearing red – one of the ways activists observe the day. As he was filing into class, I turned to a group of mothers and noted how proud I was he was helping me observe the event. The women, including several who work outside the home, had never heard of the gender wage gap. I was shocked and thought to myself, “Hello ladies, you need to know this!” A blog was born.

Back then, women earned, on average, just 77 cents for every dollar a man earned. Today women earn 77.4 cents. The current gap translates into $10,784 less per year in median earnings, and for women of color, the gap is even greater. African-American women earn, on average, 62 cents, and Hispanic women earn, on average 54 cents, for every dollar men earn.

I can understand why some of my neighbors may not have been aware of the gap three years ago. For starters, women typically don’t talk about salaries. It’s frowned upon in the workplace and it’s considered impolite. On top of that, women are subject to a steady stream of input about their careers that serves only to confuse and incite us and to obscure facts. Look no further than the recent blow up and sparking of a fresh round of “mommy wars” over Hilary Rosen’s comments regarding Ann Romney’s credentials as an economic advisor. Especially when it comes to working and mothering, we hear we should work, we should not, and that our children, our choices and even our chores, all contribute to our salary and stature. Is it any wonder the wage gap between non-mothers and mothers is greater than the gap between women and men?

There is legislation before Congress that could help.The Paycheck Fairness Act would, among other things, prohibit retaliation against employees who ask about or disclose their wages. The Senate rejected the bill in November 2010 but Senator Barb Mikulski and Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro reintroduced it in 2011. The Paycheck Fairness Act would also strengthen the Lilly Ledbetter Act, which gives employees a longer window to file discrimination claims and was signed by President Obama in January 2009.

Three years ago, we may have had good reason to be in the dark about the issues, but if there is ever going to be a year when we can raise awareness about the gender wage gap and persuade Washington to help, this is it. Seven long months away from the general election and already the two political parties are desperately pursuing the “women vote,” with Mitt Romney scrambling to close a polling gender gap.

The former governor of Massachusetts is trying to distance his campaign from the anti-woman legislation and rhetoric that has marred the Republican primary race. His efforts include an attempt to paint President Obama’s job policies as bad for women – a claim Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and many others, reject. And, he is positioning his wife as his expert on all things women – which has resulted in his exclaiming women care about the economy. However the women, and men, in the two-thirds of all U.S. households that rely on a woman’s salary, already knew that. No doubt the GOP hopes to change the debate from hot button topics like contraception and abortion, to jobs and the economy. But these political advisors don’t give women enough credit. Because we know that reproductive rights and the economy are linked.

New research form the National Bureau of Economic Research outlines how access to contraception helps close the wage gap. When women have access to contraception and resources for family planning, they, as well as their spouses, can make informed decisions about education, career, family, and how to best manage all three. This knocks down barriers for women in the workplace and eliminates the excuses that fuel much of the biases against women at work.

Women make up half the workforce and if we’re shortchanged to the tune of $10,622, that’s bad for the economy. All eyes are on us in this election year. We can’t allow politcal rhetoric to cloud the real issues. Now is the time to enlist the support of our elected officials to move family-friendly legislation forward. It’s good for women. It’s good for our families. And it’s good for the economy.

This blog is part of the National Women’s Law Center and Moms Rising blog carnival for equal pay.

 

Ignorant Legislator of the Week

April 10, 2012
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Senator Glenn GrothmanDo you know why women earn less than men? According to Senator Glenn Grothman of Wisconsin, this week’s Ignorant Legislator recipient, money isn’t as important to us as it is to men. Grothman told The Daily Beast‘s Michelle Goldberg, “You could argue that money is more important for men. I think a guy in their first job, maybe because they expect to be a breadwinner someday, may be a little more money-conscious. To attribute everything to a so-called bias in the workplace is just not true.” And to attribute it to an outdated and sexist idea, Senator, is just not rational. According to the latest U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistic data, approximately 40 percent of working wives out earn their husbands.

Grothman told Goldberg the gender wage gap was caused by women’s decisions to “prioritize childrearing over their careers,” and that the hypothetical working wife is “not go go go.” Grothman clearly hasn’t seen the time use data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics either. If he had, he might know, women, on average, do more household chores than men. This is a scenario that occurs regardless of work status. Of course, we wouldn’t expect Grothman to consider that lack of sick time and affordable childcare affect women more so than men. And most  working mothers are “go go go” from kitchen to daycare to work to daycare to kitchen and then probably back to email five days per week.

There’s an article circulating on the Internet, “Sheryl Sandberg Leaves Work at 5:30. Why Can’t You?”  If you read past the headline you learn that no, the COO of Facebook isn’t superwoman able to run one of the hottest companies in a mere 8 hours a day. You learn that as a working mother, in order to leave the office at 5:30 at night in order to eat dinner with her children, Sandberg has been known to log on to her work email at 5:30 in the morning and again late at night. And if Grothman talked to the working mothers of Wisconsin I bet he’d meet a lot of “money conscious” women who do the grocery shopping, and know the costs of kids’ clothes, school activities and doctor’s visits, and who are looking a their accounts trying to determine how they will fund orthodontia and college and retirement.

Wisconsin, in case you hadn’t heard, just repealed the state’s Equal Pay Enforcement Act, thereby preventing  victims of workplace discrimination from seeking damages in state courts. And Grothman, in case you hadn’t heard, is the same legislator who earlier this year introduced a bill that would require  the Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board “to emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.”

We think he’s a worthy recipient of this week’s award. Do you agree?

 

 

Why We Need Fathers on the PTO

February 19, 2012
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Source: annetaintor.com via Hello_Ladies on Pinterest

 

This afternoon, while hanging out with our kids, a friend tried recruiting me to the PTO on behalf of his wife, a new board member looking for like-minded cohorts. I told him out loud, “It will never happen.”  Inside my head I silently told myself,  “It better not happen.” Been there. Done that. Hated it.

But I am a sucker for an organizational makeover and I see the potential working with his wife, who brings a corporate perspective like mine to the group. My PTO experience was frustrating for both my fellow board members and me. I am a stickler for long term planning and Robert’s Rules of Order. My fellow volunteers were just looking for someone to help run fundraisers and staff events. If I am going to work as hard as the PTO members in my town work, I want the end result to be more than a balanced $10,000 budget and funded buses for field trips. I am thinking major capital projects, diversity and inclusion programs, educational campaigns around sustainability, body image, bullying.

As I watched the kids play, I tried to shake off the urge to volunteer. “Why don’t they recruit my husband?” I thought. He has the organizational skills and the time. After all, I often hear mothers say, “We need men on the PTO,” when they are criticizing how things are run.

It worked. I forgot about joining the 2012-2013 board and started thinking about how sexist the call for PTO fathers feels.  It’s as if the critics think men are some kind of magic panacea and possess some skill set women don’t have. Do they think only men can manage a spreadsheet? Or perhaps only men can wield a gavel and whip through an agenda in sixty minutes or less? Or perhaps men would quell the bickering and infighting that occasionally breaks out post meeting?

So what a coincidence that when I got home I found this article in the New York Times titled, “What’s New at the PTA, Dad?” and subtitled, “Men Shift the Dynamics of a Changing Organization.” The article started out profiling Juan Brea a C-level executive whose operational experience “adds value” but who won’t “man the cupcake table.”  Leave it to the Times to perpetuate gender stereotypes.

It goes on to give some credit to women citing, “Women with advanced degrees, high-powered jobs and technological savvy have brought a new level of sophistication and seriousness to the business of supporting schools. “ But then attributes that professionalism – “committees that are better organized, deadlines that are taken seriously, goals that are more ambitious” – to why more men are getting involved. As if all fathers thrive on professionalism and there isn’t a disorganized slacker among them. Clearly they haven’t taken a close look at the youth sports boards.

Some of the women interviewed in the article, “praised their male counterparts for overhauling disorganized talent shows, automating bookkeeping, building gardens, cultivating contacts with local politicians and silencing parents who go off on tangents during meetings.” As I read the article, I thought too myself, “I can do those things too.” And then I read the next paragraph.

“Not that women cannot or do not do the same things, but ‘men on the board can add a calm, said Kathy Ellman, who has three sons and who served on the PTA board at P.S. 11. ‘They can be a little more relaxed.’” Oh really?

Now, I write frequently about the need for gender diversity at the top of organizations. And I’m not a hypocrite. I believe, and there is a body of evidence to support my belief – that diverse leadership teams lead to more positive outcomes. I too would like to see more men on PTO boards. But not because I think men are calmer or better at Microsoft Excel. I would like to see men join the PTO because I believe the best organizations draw from the largest talent pool. Because I believe a father’s perspective is as important as a mother’s when it comes to children and education. Because I believe some men are drawn to parenting and some to professional endeavors and some are drawn to both. Likewise, some women are drawn to parenting and some to professional endeavors and some are drawn to both. And roles and board assignments should be determined based on skill set and desire, not gender.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On My Honor, I Will Try: Girls Scouts Help Build Future Leaders

February 5, 2012
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Girl Scout logoGirl Scouts of the USA recently released new research “ToGetHerThere: Girls’ Insights on Leadership,” revealing young girls see a glass ceiling in today’s society. The research, completed in partnership with GFK Roper, is part of a broader campaign and fundraising effort seeking to create equal representation of women in leadership positions in all sectors and levels of society.

The Girl Scouts surveyed 1,000 girls aged 8-17 and found close to three in five girls think that while a woman can rise up in a company, she will rarely be placed in a senior leadership role.  And 8 in 10 girls think the workplace could do a better job of meeting the needs of their female workers.

Of course we already know this to be the case. But hopefully, hearing young girls make these same observations will inspire all of us to do more to change the reality.

We can tell our daughters all we want that they can grow up and become anything. But they are smarter than that. If they don’t see evidence to support that assertion, why should they believe us?

As White House Project founder Marie Wilson often says, “You can’t be what you can’t see.” That could be the reason one-third of girls surveyed said they wouldn’t feel comfortable trying to be a leader, and almost 40 percent aren’t sure if they are cut out to be a leader. We need to fix that.

Here are six ways to build a girl’s leadership capacity. What else can we do? Please add your ideas to our list.

If I Were Santa

December 14, 2011
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Santa's gift bagIf I were Santa, I’d be making my list and checking it twice. And here are the gifts I would give:

For Our Daughters: The gift of self-esteem and positive role models

The mass media perpetuates a message that women and girls’ value comes from beauty and sexuality – and it affects us. Sixty-five percent of women and girls have an eating disorder. Eighty percent of the op-ed pages are dominated by men. The number of women in senior management positions globally has gone from 24 to 20 percent from 2004 to 2009.

For Corporate America: More women in leadership positions

There is a large, and growing, body of research connecting women at the tops of organizations to a strong bottom line performance. However, women comprise 53 percent of new hires, but only 37 percent of managers, 26 percent of vice-presidents, and just 14 percent of executive committees.

 

For Working Mothers: Flexible work arrangements … and a day of rest

The life of a working mother is challenging. Flexible work arrangements give parents the ability to work more flexibly and better manage the challenges of work and family.

For Working Families: Passage of the Paycheck Fairness Act

According to the latest data from the U.S. Census Bureau, women earn, on average, just .78 cents for every dollar a man earns. And for women of color, the gap is much greater. Fair pay is not a woman’s issue, it’s a family issue. An estimated two-thirds of all U.S. households rely on a woman’s salary at least partially.”

For All Women: The ratification of CEDAW

The Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW) is an international treaty that supports fundamental human rights and equality for women around the world. CEDAW was adopted in 1979 by the United Nations General Assembly. To date, 186 of 193 countries have ratified the treaty. The United States has not.

For President Obama: The courage to stand up for women’s reproductive rights

Women helped President Obama get elected in 2008 and they can be expected to play a major role in the 2012 election too. In return, women need Obama to take a stronger stance on women’s rights, and in particular, women’s reproductive health – regardless of the pressures he’s facing from his opponents.

For the GOP: The Sanctity of Life

The US ranks poorly for infant mortality rates and maternal death rates; more than two women die every day from pregnancy related causes. Yet many lawmakers try to block women’s access to much-needed health services, supposedly  in the name of life. For Christmas, we want to give them the gift of truly honoring the sanctity of life – all life – and to see them work toward improving the health and life of mothers.

For Massachusetts: A woman Senator

Massachusetts has never sent a woman to the Senate. Although 51 percent of the U.S. population is female, women hold just 16.5 percent of the seats in Congress. That puts the US at 69th in the world for gender parity. We need more women in office.

For Victims of Domestic Violence: Hope

Domestic violence victims and their advocates need money to gain freedom from abuse, to protect children from abusive partners or ex-partners and develop public policy efforts related to domestic violence. Please donate and give them support and hope.

What gifts would you give? You can add to my list at The Skinny Scoop.

 

Bachmann Raises Questions About Politics, Work and Gender Equality

November 29, 2011
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WaitressAt the start of the “Thanksgiving Family Forum,” a GOP primary debate held earlier this month in Iowa, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann walked around the table pouring water for all of her opponents and for Frank Luntz, the debate moderator. When Luntz thanked her, Bachmann laughed and responded, “I’m used to it Frank.” Watch the video here and then ask yourself, was Bachmann’s behavior helpful or harmful?

The answer may vary depending on your frame of reference. To some, Bachmann’s action may appear to be a simple, meaningless gesture. She was pouring a glass of water for herself; so why not just pour for the table? After all, it only took a minute or two. It was helpful and only a liberal-leaning blogger could make an issue out of this, right?

Not true. I am sure political strategists think Bachmann made a bad move. After all, it doesn’t look very presidential to wait on others. Presidents are served at the table; they don’t do the serving. Now remember: we’ve never had a woman in office. Therefore, what most people consider to look presidential, is going to look like male behavior. And men seem to know that when they are engaged in important discussions, someone should pour the water for them. So a savvy political pundit would probably view Bachmann’s gesture as harmful.

Some of the women I know — especially the mothers, would have poured the water instinctively. And like Bachmann, they would have dismissed what they did because they are “used to it.” They are used to helping others get settled at the table before they start their own meal. The are used to having a meaningful conversation while doing something else like cutting someone’s food, passing a side dish, pouring a glass of milk. If they waited for a free moment to engage, they’d never finish a sentence. Women like that are used to being helpful. But one place helpful can be harmful is at work.

A few years ago, I worked in an office where I was the only full-time woman on the management team. I was also the first and only female vice president. Once a month, the management team met in the conference room to review all aspects of the business – from financials, to staffing, to product development. At the end of those meetings the conference room was always a mess – papers and Starbuck cups all over the table and product samples all over the floor. When I first worked there, I would grab some of the samples at the conclusion of the meeting, return them to the warehouse and then go back to my office. On my way home later that day, I would pass the conference room and, probably 90 percent of the time, I would notice whatever I hadn’t picked up was still in there. And so I would stop and clean the room.

But after a while I noticed that when those monthly management team meetings ended, my male peers would leave the room carrying only their laptops. So I stopped cleaning up too. (Unless it was a Wednesday – every Thursday at 7 a.m. I attended another meeting in the same room with a large group. And if the room was ready, the meeting was more likely to start on time.) It felt petty to leave the mess. After all, it only took 5 or ten minutes to restore the room. But I started to wonder if cleaning up hurt my image. If I wanted the men to accept me, and other women, as part of the team, then did I have to do what they did and not help with anything perceived to be below a VP assignment? This company didn’t have an office manager nor did the management team have admins so it wasn’t as simple as leaving the mess to the person whose job description covered it. The mess remained until someone brought an outside partner or vendor in for a meeting or until one of the “girls” from accounting or customer service used the room for a birthday, shower or holiday potluck.

Leaving the mess also felt counterintuitive. I attributed much of my career success to hard work, being a team player, doing whatever needed to be done. One of my first bosses, a well-respected advisor to many CEOS, impressed me because she knew how to do every job in the office and how to use every piece of office equipment. She was a  master delegator who focused on high-value tasks, but when something needed to get done  - she could make it happen. It seemed like a pretty powerful approach and I’ve always tried to emulate it.

I don’t subscribe to the idea women need to act like men at work. I believe each gender, each individual really, brings unique characteristics to the office and diversity is the best strategy. But women do need to mind their image. And sometimes that means not being helpful is the most helpful thing they can do for their own careers.

What do you think? Do you try to avoid administrative tasks so as to appear more managerial?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moms Dominate Powerful Women List (Infographic)

November 3, 2011
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Did you know 88 percent of the women on the Forbes 100 Most Powerful Women list are mothers with an average 2.5 children each? How do we harness that power for better maternity leave policies, paid sick days, flex work arrangements and affordable, quality childcare? Thank you to OnlineSchools.com for the great infographic.


Courtesy of: OnlineSchools.com

Heroine of the Week: California State Senator Noreen Evans

October 9, 2011
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Pregnant womanThe United States ranks low among industrialized countries when it comes to maternal care and lacks a nationwide policy of paid maternity leave. However, women in one of the largest states, California, are now guaranteed maternity care health coverage thanks to a bill introduced by Senator Noreen Evans (D-Santa Rosa) and signed into law this past week by Governor Jerry Brown. SB 222, the Maternity Coverage Availability Act, requires health insurance plans to provide maternity coverage as part of their individual health insurance policies. Although the law has required group insurance plans to include maternity coverage, the number of policies that include that coverage has dropped from 82 percent in 2004 to only 12 percent in 2010.

Governor Brown also signed SB 299 this week, another maternity-related bill shepherded by Evans. This legislation prevents California women from losing their employer-provided health insurance coverage while on maternity leave.  Currently many women pay steep out-of-pocket costs for maternity care and/or cut short their pregnancy leave because they can’t afford to take it.  According to Moms Rising, almost four in five workers report being unable to take leave because they could not afford it.

“Healthy mothers mean healthy babies. I want the next generation of Californians to get the best possible start in life,” Governor Brown said.

Read “Real Stories of Maternity Leave“

The Life of a Working Mother

September 15, 2011
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Barbie doll

This is not me

Let me tell you about the life of a working mother. So this morning I was running late for work because I had a hard time picking out an outfit because last Saturday I forgot to go to the dry cleaner because I was really busy shuffling my kids from soccer practice to the town-wide barbecue birthday bash to a party we were all invited to and so I had no clean work pants and I couldn’t wear knee-length skirts or capris because I was gardening on Sunday because I hadn’t weeded since June because every weekend in the summer I took my kids to the Cape so they could hang out with their cousins and anyway I got poison ivy on my legs and therefore hadn’t shaved them all week but I had to dress professionally because my boss and I were going to an industry event later in the day to network with potential clients.

So, I decided to wear a long, flowy black skirt and after trying many different tops finally paired it with a black cardigan that looked professional and put on a pair of low black heels that wouldn’t hurt walking around a tradeshow floor and I threw on some appropriate accessories and I was ready to go but I stopped to use the bathroom because I have a long commute and I had downed three cups of coffee and …the back of my skirt fell in the toilet!

So, I had a meltdown and started ranting and my husband said, “How is this my fault?” to which I responded, “It’s not your fault. Why can’t I get upset without you thinking you need to fix it?” at which point my nine year old son came up to me, hugged me and said, “I love you mom,” which, while really sweet, made me realize he was trying to calm down psycho-mommy and someday he’d be in therapy because of me.

Then I went upstairs and I found a long skirt (linen – which, I don’t care what Vogue says, is a no-no after Labor Day in New England) which really needed ironing but I decided not to iron because it was just going to be wrinkled again by the time I got to work and as I pulled it out of the closet the button popped off and it required a new top and new shoes because it was brown not black and I didn’t really have a top that matched except the sweater I had worn to the party Saturday which I couldn’t find because my house is always a mess.

And so I ran around trying to find a top and praying to St. Anthony to find my sweater and my hair started to frizz because the weather was really humid because September is always warmer then August in New England which is Mother Nature’s way of messing with working parents who have to take the last week in August as vacation because that’s the week between when camp ends and school starts and I couldn’t pull my hair back because my daughter, in the middle of all this, asked me for a ponytail holder even though she always takes mine and should have had a bazillion of them and where the hell do they go and my husband pointed out I have a bunch of them in my office but I didn’t want my daughter to go in there because Sunday night I was sorting though my vintage necklaces in the office because it relaxes me but I got interrupted and never put them away and they were still on the floor and I didn’t want her to step on them, so I gave her the one I always keep on my wrist.

So my hair was wild and I had nothing to wear except a wrinkly linen skirt until I noticed a shirt I bought at the Gap and had planned to return because I spent too much money last time I was there but it was desperate times so I put it on but it still required a cardigan so that didn’t really help because St. Anthony wasn’t listening so I grabbed another Gap shirt out of my closet as I realized I still had to keep the new shirt because I had removed the tags and tossed it on the floor and it would be wrinkled by the time I got home.

I glanced in the mirror at my wild hair and casual outfit and saw I was not even close to the look-at-me-I’m-large-and-in-charge-trust-me-with-your-communications-strategy image I wanted to project at the event but I had no choice but to wear the outfit so I decided to channel Iris Apfel and added a multi-strand turquoise necklace and leopard shoes and hoped I could project a look-at-me-I’m-hip-and-creative-trust-me-with-your-social-media-strategy image even though I knew I couldn’t because I’m a middle-aged suburban mother.

And as I went to finally leave, I realized I needed to change bags because now the big, printed bag I had planned to carry was too casual whereas before it had served as a pop of color for an all-black outfit and so I wanted to grab a more structured purse but I couldn’t fit my flats (also leopard) in the structured bag and there was no way I was going to a tradeshow without back-up flats and so I finally found an appropriate bag but that necessitated transferring my wallet, lunch, sunglasses and cosmetics to another bag which was risky business because it had to be done on the go and I couldn’t really risk any erratic or distracted driving because I had no registration or inspection sticker because my leasing company had sent the paperwork late and I was supposed to go the RMV and get that sorted out at lunch but how could I leave work for a few hours to do that when I was going to arrive so late?

Then when I got in the car I realized it was on empty because I hadn’t stopped for gas the night before because I wanted to get home before it got too dark to go for a run because running helps my stress levels and I hadn’t run Tuesday night because I went to the PTO meeting which was painful – I mean I appreciate all the board does, but ladies really, Robert’s Rules of Order, live it, learn it, love it – and I didn’t run on Monday night because I was at an environmental committee meeting because I need to save the world and I was having a hard time waking up in the mornings to run ever since school started because my daughter, who is exhausted re-adjusting to a schedule after sleeping late all summer, had been throwing temper tantrums at night and I had been giving in and lying down with her even though I knew I was reinforcing bad behavior and I think seven is too old for the Ferber method and her crying and whining was reminding me of when she was a baby and I had postpartum depression and I just wanted her to go to sleep.

When I finished pumping gas a woman with a sleek chignon and cool sunglasses dressed very professionally pulled in and blocked me at the gas tank and I thought if she is a working mother and looks that good she deserves to have her suit dunked in the toilet but I finally got out of there without incident and tuned into the traffic report and heard there was an accident and not one, but two lanes, were blocked on the highway and then I remembered I had thrown the black skirt into the laundry and it’s dry clean only which meant either my husband was going to a) wash it as a nice gesture and accidentaly ruin it or b) not wash it which would piss me off because wasn’t that the least he could do?

And then, as I sat in the traffic jam thinking about how I wasn’t going to get to work until practically tomorrow which was really a problem because I was behind on some things because I’d been spending a lot of time on one specific project which ironically had to do with how mothers “do it all” which meant I would either to have work late and skip another run or get caught up on work on the weekend therefore not having anytime to go to the drycleaner, I turned on the air conditioner because my hair kept frizzing from the heat and I realized I had worn my office sweater home the night before which could have been a problem because my coworker always blasts the AC at the office because she’s in menopause and having hot flashes and who am I to judge because that could be me, like, tomorrow and because the fabric on my shirt was really thin it would be revealing, if you know what I mean, but luckily Rachel Zoe has nothing on me and I could fix the problem with bandaids.

And inspired by my many talents I decided to write this blog – while driving – because I downloaded the speech-to-text software on my iPhone one day while imagining I could be that kind of supermom who multitasks and has all the right apps, which according to a new study makes me prone to depression (the wanting to be a supermom, not the apps) but I never did get around to downloading the app that reads emails aloud which would have been useful because at that point I was already 45 minutes late for work and not yet at the halfway mark and I was only driving 25 miles an hour even though I had already passed the accident.

And that is the life of a working mother.

How Do You Do It All?

August 11, 2011
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This post originally ran on TheMamaBee.com. We’ve since replaced some of the activities listed below for new ones, but our house remains dirty and we still don’t have any friends. With the movie version of “I Don’t Know How She Does It” opening next month, we’re wondering, how do you do it all? Here’s our story:

Supermom dollPeople always ask me, “How do you do it all?”  I am a full time working mother –in fact I’m the family breadwinner.  I am also president of the PTO, chair of a town committee, organizer of  an annual event for 400 attendees, and I moonlight as a freelance writer.  “It’s easy,” I tell them. “But my house is always dirty and I have no friends.”  And then the person who asked the question always laughs.  But I’m not joking.

My house is dirty.  While my husband has the time to clean, he has no interest.  And I have neither the time nor the interest. Type As like me thrive on checking things off a to-do list and cleaning never comes off the list; by the time you get through all of the rooms in the house, you need to start over.  I don’t choose to spend my time cleaning. Nor do I choose to spend my time fighting with my husband trying to get him to clean.

We used to fight about it.  Big, ugly hairy fights. But fighting wastes precious time and for a working mother, time is currency.  The fighting just didn’t add up. Do the math:

Ask husband (three times) to remove unfolded piles of laundry from couch and put them away: 3 mins.

Yell at husband for not putting laundry away, disrespecting all of my wishes, being an insensitive lout, never listening, and not knowing the meaning of love: 20 mins.

Give husband silent treatment: 30 mins.

Apologize for slightly overreacting : 2 mins.

Simply push piles of laundry to the other end of the sofa so I have a place to sit down and snuggle with the kids: immediate and priceless.

As far as friends go, I do exaggerate, but just slightly.  I actually have two and a half friends – two of them I’ve known for thirty years. I talk to one of them almost every day during my commute. And I go months without talking to the other one but our friendship is strong enough to withstand the long silences.  And the half?  Well that represents all the lovely acquaintances I make through my many activities.  I would befriend them but then they’d expect me to call, email and socialize.  And I don’t have the time.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed, like when I have too many deadlines, I’m tired and there are thirty-eight plastic dinosaurs on my living room rug. Just recently, one of my cousins stopped by on a  weekend morning.  Over coffee, I unloaded on her that I was exhausted and couldn’t manage everything.

“You need to lower your standards,” she said.

As I slid the previous night’s dirty dinner plates out of my way so I had a place to put  my coffee mug, I said hopefully, “Really, do you think that’s the answer?”

My lifestyle is not for everyone.  Like all working mothers, I make sacrifices. I will never go scrapbooking, for example, or host a book club meeting. Hell, I won’t even be invited to join the book club. But despite my busy schedule, I always have time to read a book to my child.  Now if only I could find the damn book somewhere in this mess.

Eversave is running a fun survey asking women how they do it all. You can take it here.

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